Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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