We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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