my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Randomize
