How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
