I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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