I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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