my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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