I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
