Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Randomize
