so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Randomize
