I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
