Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
