My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
be right there i have to get my cape
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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