I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
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