he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
