soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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