Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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