I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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