Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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