the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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