Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize