hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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