Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
