dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
Randomize
