ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
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