I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
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