yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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