It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Randomize
