in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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