if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
Randomize
