how can u be prego again
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
