I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
