My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
i out mim tonsoeep
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