and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
that may or may not have been my penis.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
