exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
