hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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