hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
