R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
