Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
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