how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
