Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Randomize
