Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
