Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
