I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
