there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
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