So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
