seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Randomize
