My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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