pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
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