I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
