Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
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