Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Randomize
