my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
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