It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
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