dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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