So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
