Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
