That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Randomize
