Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
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